Pressing on & Forgetting the Guilt

Guilt…its something I struggle with.  It’s something I was fighting with this morning during the morning service.  Sometimes I feel I cry more at church than I do at home when I’m in the shower.  It’s better than crying while I’m driving…hahaha

Someday’s the guilt can be so overwhelming.  Not just the guilt but sometimes the overwhelming amount of stuff that I have to manage on a daily basis.  School, work, homework (which can last until 9pm!), medicines, ARD’s, daily communication with teachers on what Thing 1 did/did not do in class today, Dr appointments, therapies (hopefully that will kick in soon), church, sleep (or lack there of), making sure Thing 2 gets the Mom/Daughter time she needs, laundry, paperwork (I am NEVER EVER going to get organized there!! tear..major tears..), and if I am really lucky I might get a workout in..(who are we kidding?).  It’s exhausting sometimes (okay most days) managing all of this on my own but its what I have to do.

Today was just one of those days.  I couldn’t stop thinking about where I am in comparison to where I think I should be.  I am 31, divorced, with two kids, living with my parents.  I can’t work 40 hour week, as much as I desperately want to, because I have to help kids with homework, cook dinner etc.  Thing 1 is going to be in middle school next year and we will probably be still living with my parents.  We don’t live in a home of our own or a car of our own, and my credit is so shot that even if I could afford to rent a place I couldn’t do anything because of my credit history.  Sigh….and cue the tears… 

And so that was where I was today.  Fighting the demons of feeling guilty for not being able to provide for Thing 1 & 2 the way I think I should be, getting mad at having to manage all of this on my own,  raging in my head against their absentee father and his parents for not being better parents to him.  Needless to say I was a mess and seriously didn’t want to go to church tonight.  But I did, and the more I go the more I feel like I am returning to myself.

Then Mr. Theology started preaching tonight over Philippians 3:4-16 and then he said something that I needed to hear today.  “Let Guilt Go!”  And you know what?  He’s right.  I need to let it go. 

So what if I can’t afford to rent a house or even an apartment to rent.  My kids are doing okay right?  Sure is sucks that their dad isn't involved a bit in their lives & doesn’t have a relationship with Christ but I've made sure to surround them with Godly men and though its not the same its better than nothing right?  Timothy’s father was a gentile who didn’t believe in Christ but his mother Eunice and his grandmother did and look how he turned out.

Mr. Theology man said something a few Sunday’s ago along the lines that we need to look to the past to see where we've come from.  And some days that’s what I need to do. 

I need to look at where we were 1, 2, even 5 years ago and see where we've come.  Sure our road has been hard, and its not going to get any easier but when I look back and let all the guilt I feel towards all of the above go, I realize that we are all right.  My kids are loving church, they are growing, I am growing.  We have made some AMAZING friendships not only here in the RGV but I have an amazing support group of friends online that I love and can’t wait to meet in person someday (@5crookedhalos, @and_frankly, @terratalking, @katieb38, @ninjalindsay, @laurabignell, @amy_mcmommy,@gasfamily)

So in the mean time I need to just keep pressing forward and be the best mom that I can to Thing 1 & Thing 2.  If that means for a short time that I have to work two jobs (and believe me I am fighting that right now) then I have to work two jobs.

I have nothing to feel guilty about.  I am doing the best with what I have.  So why am I sitting here worrying?

 

The Single Mom

Better late than never….

I have been busy…. very, very busy.  Busy with what you say?  Well if you follow me on Twitter you would have seen I have been posting about a boy every now and then.  I call him NASCAR Boy.  Yeah this momma is dating again…lol

Dating…I guess its still considered dating even though he lives in 2.5 hours away (it’s Texas so distance is relative).  We text, call, and Skype pretty much every single night. 

NASCAR Boy came down and met Thing 1 and Thing 2 this weekend.  We took them to the stock show and to the zoo on Saturday.  I had to laugh at NB on our way to the movies after I had tucked the kids in bed at home with my parents, when he said “I thought you were kidding slightly when you would say how tired you were at the end of the day.  Is this how it is everyday?  I’m EXHAUSTED!”  Yes NB I am that tired everyday.

Anyway since I didn’t get a chance to do last week’s 5QF with Mama M at My Little Life.  I thought I would catch up now….better late than never.  If you get a chance you should play along every Friday. 

 

1. Does your family coordinate clothing for church on holidays like Easter?Actually this was my question and I had posted it on Twitter also.  My mom used to try and match us kids when we were younger.  I haven’t done it for the kids until this year.  I got Thing 2 the cutest linen sundress from Old Navy, and then the top I happened to get Thing 1 matched her dress.  My top matches the purple in her dress for that Sunday. 
2. How do you get out of a funk? Usually I try and workout but it just varies.
3. Online friends - real friendships or not?  Online friends  are totally real friendships!
4. What is the one food you must eat in a restaurant (not make yourself)? hmmmm…. I would have to say a bloomin’ onion from Outback or their bread… still can’t get those two things right.
5. What would happen in your home if you ran out of ketchup? umm actually nothing.  We run out and forget to buy it all the time…lol…plus its not something we use a ton of lately

The Single Momma

Life….

Sorry for the break I took lately but like usual life has gotten in the way.  These past two weeks have been hard.  Like “I want to give up, someone else take over” hard.  Honestly some days I don’t mind the ASD/ADHD roller coaster that we can take on a daily basis but then there are some weeks like the past two that just make me want to jump ship.

Parenting is hard.  There is no doubt about it.  Parenting a child who needs extra help in some areas?  Harder but not difficult.  Doing it alone?  Exhausting and overwhelming.

Where I live there isn’t really a support group for parents with children with ASD/ADHD or just either separately.  Living with my parents has been a big help.  But then there are days like we had last week where I know my son is trying and I am trying and both of us are loosing control and we don’t mean to its just that the stress of the situation gets to be to much.  And my dad doesn’t understand and looses his temper which doesn’t help with the “I’m failing as a parent and I cant do this anymore” feelings that I fight some days.

Spring break started today.  The kids started at Camp Cascade today.  It’s a “day camp” that the kids are going to from 8am-1pm everyday this week while I am at work.  Hopefully the kids will enjoy it. 

I am not looking forward to school starting back up next week.  But really its just because we have to have an ARD when we start back for Thing 1 because he failed a subject.  But to be fair the school wasn’t following his ARD and not helping him with his organization/ helping him with bringing his homework home.  I can’t afford to take off from work at 3pm everyday to go through his desk to make sure we bring homework home. 

Single momma can only do so much….sigh…

The Single Momma