Guilt…its something I struggle with. It’s something I was fighting with this morning during the morning service. Sometimes I feel I cry more at church than I do at home when I’m in the shower. It’s better than crying while I’m driving…hahaha
Someday’s the guilt can be so overwhelming. Not just the guilt but sometimes the overwhelming amount of stuff that I have to manage on a daily basis. School, work, homework (which can last until 9pm!), medicines, ARD’s, daily communication with teachers on what Thing 1 did/did not do in class today, Dr appointments, therapies (hopefully that will kick in soon), church, sleep (or lack there of), making sure Thing 2 gets the Mom/Daughter time she needs, laundry, paperwork (I am NEVER EVER going to get organized there!! tear..major tears..), and if I am really lucky I might get a workout in..(who are we kidding?). It’s exhausting sometimes (okay most days) managing all of this on my own but its what I have to do.
Today was just one of those days. I couldn’t stop thinking about where I am in comparison to where I think I should be. I am 31, divorced, with two kids, living with my parents. I can’t work 40 hour week, as much as I desperately want to, because I have to help kids with homework, cook dinner etc. Thing 1 is going to be in middle school next year and we will probably be still living with my parents. We don’t live in a home of our own or a car of our own, and my credit is so shot that even if I could afford to rent a place I couldn’t do anything because of my credit history. Sigh….and cue the tears…
And so that was where I was today. Fighting the demons of feeling guilty for not being able to provide for Thing 1 & 2 the way I think I should be, getting mad at having to manage all of this on my own, raging in my head against their absentee father and his parents for not being better parents to him. Needless to say I was a mess and seriously didn’t want to go to church tonight. But I did, and the more I go the more I feel like I am returning to myself.
Then Mr. Theology started preaching tonight over Philippians 3:4-16 and then he said something that I needed to hear today. “Let Guilt Go!” And you know what? He’s right. I need to let it go.
So what if I can’t afford to rent a house or even an apartment to rent. My kids are doing okay right? Sure is sucks that their dad isn't involved a bit in their lives & doesn’t have a relationship with Christ but I've made sure to surround them with Godly men and though its not the same its better than nothing right? Timothy’s father was a gentile who didn’t believe in Christ but his mother Eunice and his grandmother did and look how he turned out.
Mr. Theology man said something a few Sunday’s ago along the lines that we need to look to the past to see where we've come from. And some days that’s what I need to do.
I need to look at where we were 1, 2, even 5 years ago and see where we've come. Sure our road has been hard, and its not going to get any easier but when I look back and let all the guilt I feel towards all of the above go, I realize that we are all right. My kids are loving church, they are growing, I am growing. We have made some AMAZING friendships not only here in the RGV but I have an amazing support group of friends online that I love and can’t wait to meet in person someday (@5crookedhalos, @and_frankly, @terratalking, @katieb38, @ninjalindsay, @laurabignell, @amy_mcmommy,@gasfamily)
So in the mean time I need to just keep pressing forward and be the best mom that I can to Thing 1 & Thing 2. If that means for a short time that I have to work two jobs (and believe me I am fighting that right now) then I have to work two jobs.
I have nothing to feel guilty about. I am doing the best with what I have. So why am I sitting here worrying?
The Single Mom
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