One Step Forward....12 Steps Back

Sigh...lately I feel like I am back on the NICU highs/lows roller coaster. Every ounce regained bay Thing 1 is cause to cheer, however that same ounce maybe lost tomorrow. Every new skill/coping mechanism learned that week and used properly is a step forward, and every refusal to used said new skill we “forget” or refuse to use feels like a tumble down a hill.

Right now our biggest hurdle is weight gain. Don't get me wrong Thing 1 loves to eat, but EVERYTHING Thing 1 loves to eat is not helping in the weight gaining department. 

Our food Loves:

• APPLES (We can go through a 5lb bag of Red Delicious in 2 days)
• ORANGES
• BANANAS
• WATERMELON
• GRAPES (We have to buy 1 bag/box for Thing 1 and 1 for everyone else)
• Okay so basically fruits and a few veggies are our food loves
  

Yesterday he weighed himself and started to cry because he had lost 8 more ounces.  Thing 1 is down to 63.8 lbs without shoes on.  He is trying to get out of PE because he is worried about his weight.  With everything else in my life I really, really, really dont like worrying about this. Thing 1 is not a big kid to begin with. And as CPS/Abuse happy as people get my brain starts working overtime in the worry department.

What if:

• He has a sub who knows nothing about him and sees him and thinks I am starving him?
  
• He gets sick & I have to take him to the ER and someone calls and reports me about his weight?
  
• Despite everything, (including changing meds...possibility now) he never gains weight?
  

And to top off all this lovely stress Obamacare is really sticking it to me! Because of the kids child support payments I now make TOO MUCH money for them to be on traditional kids medicad to Chips, and my help with food got cut from 300.00 a month to 48.00!! I will make a little over 15K this year from just my job. Yeah that isn't much people!

But this change now means I have the joy of paying for monthly medications for 2 kids and therapy 3 times a week for Thing 1.  That means I have to have at least 15-20 on hand every week to pay for just therapy. 20.00 a week X 4 weeks = 87.00 a month just for therapy, on top of the 50 or so I have to have monthly for just his medications for a grand total of roughly 150.00 I need to have on hand each month to pay for this.

So what does this mean now? My grand plan of paying off my loans for school is quickly flying out the window and I see myself looking for a second job! Why? Because that 150.00 is right now earmarked for debt payments so I can go to school.  The little time I have with my kids, NASCAR Boy, and church is slowly leaving.

And that saddens me. I want to be able to go to school to provide better for my kids and I don’t see that happening.

Grown-up hood....this isn’t fun....

College and I think to much…..

Thing 1 started his last 6 weeks of elementary school this past week.  What does that mean?  Only 7 more years until my baby graduates high school!  Tear….

Of course now that has me worried.  College!!  Gasp!  How am I going to pay for college?  Not only for him but for Thing 2 who will graduate a year after!  Of course Thing 1 having his “pick your instrument” day for band today after school hasn’t helped in stopping this momma’s brain from racing.

Like Reese Withersppon said in an interview (and I’m paraphrasing badly) her brain was like the news scroll on CNN going across her brain thinking about where all her kids were, well that’s my brain too.  Except it goes through “What time will it be when I pick up Thing 1 & 2?, Did I get a snack to give Thing 1? How much money is left in my account today?  Do I have enough to pick up socks, give Thing 1 money for school projects, etc? how am I going to pay for band instruments? When is camp money due? Who needs their medication refilled? (that reminds me I have to pick up medication for Thing 2)”

Doctor appointments, medication, laundry, homework, house cleaning etc….seriously a mom’s work is never done.

As for college, yea I am worried about it.  I don’t want my kids to quit bc of money like I did.  I want more for them.  Sure Thing 1 & 2 have a tiny trust fund for college from their other grandmother but as Bio-Dad (I cant think of a better term for my ex-husband than that) hasn’t helped out much before I honestly don’t see this being a viable option for them.  If this means living with my parents until….well who knows how long.

Graduating college before my kids graduated high school has always been my goal but I honestly don’t see that happening…ever….

Sigh….oh well…

It’s nice to have dreams…..

 

The Single Mom

Pressing on & Forgetting the Guilt

Guilt…its something I struggle with.  It’s something I was fighting with this morning during the morning service.  Sometimes I feel I cry more at church than I do at home when I’m in the shower.  It’s better than crying while I’m driving…hahaha

Someday’s the guilt can be so overwhelming.  Not just the guilt but sometimes the overwhelming amount of stuff that I have to manage on a daily basis.  School, work, homework (which can last until 9pm!), medicines, ARD’s, daily communication with teachers on what Thing 1 did/did not do in class today, Dr appointments, therapies (hopefully that will kick in soon), church, sleep (or lack there of), making sure Thing 2 gets the Mom/Daughter time she needs, laundry, paperwork (I am NEVER EVER going to get organized there!! tear..major tears..), and if I am really lucky I might get a workout in..(who are we kidding?).  It’s exhausting sometimes (okay most days) managing all of this on my own but its what I have to do.

Today was just one of those days.  I couldn’t stop thinking about where I am in comparison to where I think I should be.  I am 31, divorced, with two kids, living with my parents.  I can’t work 40 hour week, as much as I desperately want to, because I have to help kids with homework, cook dinner etc.  Thing 1 is going to be in middle school next year and we will probably be still living with my parents.  We don’t live in a home of our own or a car of our own, and my credit is so shot that even if I could afford to rent a place I couldn’t do anything because of my credit history.  Sigh….and cue the tears… 

And so that was where I was today.  Fighting the demons of feeling guilty for not being able to provide for Thing 1 & 2 the way I think I should be, getting mad at having to manage all of this on my own,  raging in my head against their absentee father and his parents for not being better parents to him.  Needless to say I was a mess and seriously didn’t want to go to church tonight.  But I did, and the more I go the more I feel like I am returning to myself.

Then Mr. Theology started preaching tonight over Philippians 3:4-16 and then he said something that I needed to hear today.  “Let Guilt Go!”  And you know what?  He’s right.  I need to let it go. 

So what if I can’t afford to rent a house or even an apartment to rent.  My kids are doing okay right?  Sure is sucks that their dad isn't involved a bit in their lives & doesn’t have a relationship with Christ but I've made sure to surround them with Godly men and though its not the same its better than nothing right?  Timothy’s father was a gentile who didn’t believe in Christ but his mother Eunice and his grandmother did and look how he turned out.

Mr. Theology man said something a few Sunday’s ago along the lines that we need to look to the past to see where we've come from.  And some days that’s what I need to do. 

I need to look at where we were 1, 2, even 5 years ago and see where we've come.  Sure our road has been hard, and its not going to get any easier but when I look back and let all the guilt I feel towards all of the above go, I realize that we are all right.  My kids are loving church, they are growing, I am growing.  We have made some AMAZING friendships not only here in the RGV but I have an amazing support group of friends online that I love and can’t wait to meet in person someday (@5crookedhalos, @and_frankly, @terratalking, @katieb38, @ninjalindsay, @laurabignell, @amy_mcmommy,@gasfamily)

So in the mean time I need to just keep pressing forward and be the best mom that I can to Thing 1 & Thing 2.  If that means for a short time that I have to work two jobs (and believe me I am fighting that right now) then I have to work two jobs.

I have nothing to feel guilty about.  I am doing the best with what I have.  So why am I sitting here worrying?

 

The Single Mom

Better late than never….

I have been busy…. very, very busy.  Busy with what you say?  Well if you follow me on Twitter you would have seen I have been posting about a boy every now and then.  I call him NASCAR Boy.  Yeah this momma is dating again…lol

Dating…I guess its still considered dating even though he lives in 2.5 hours away (it’s Texas so distance is relative).  We text, call, and Skype pretty much every single night. 

NASCAR Boy came down and met Thing 1 and Thing 2 this weekend.  We took them to the stock show and to the zoo on Saturday.  I had to laugh at NB on our way to the movies after I had tucked the kids in bed at home with my parents, when he said “I thought you were kidding slightly when you would say how tired you were at the end of the day.  Is this how it is everyday?  I’m EXHAUSTED!”  Yes NB I am that tired everyday.

Anyway since I didn’t get a chance to do last week’s 5QF with Mama M at My Little Life.  I thought I would catch up now….better late than never.  If you get a chance you should play along every Friday. 

 

1. Does your family coordinate clothing for church on holidays like Easter?Actually this was my question and I had posted it on Twitter also.  My mom used to try and match us kids when we were younger.  I haven’t done it for the kids until this year.  I got Thing 2 the cutest linen sundress from Old Navy, and then the top I happened to get Thing 1 matched her dress.  My top matches the purple in her dress for that Sunday. 
2. How do you get out of a funk? Usually I try and workout but it just varies.
3. Online friends - real friendships or not?  Online friends  are totally real friendships!
4. What is the one food you must eat in a restaurant (not make yourself)? hmmmm…. I would have to say a bloomin’ onion from Outback or their bread… still can’t get those two things right.
5. What would happen in your home if you ran out of ketchup? umm actually nothing.  We run out and forget to buy it all the time…lol…plus its not something we use a ton of lately

The Single Momma

Life….

Sorry for the break I took lately but like usual life has gotten in the way.  These past two weeks have been hard.  Like “I want to give up, someone else take over” hard.  Honestly some days I don’t mind the ASD/ADHD roller coaster that we can take on a daily basis but then there are some weeks like the past two that just make me want to jump ship.

Parenting is hard.  There is no doubt about it.  Parenting a child who needs extra help in some areas?  Harder but not difficult.  Doing it alone?  Exhausting and overwhelming.

Where I live there isn’t really a support group for parents with children with ASD/ADHD or just either separately.  Living with my parents has been a big help.  But then there are days like we had last week where I know my son is trying and I am trying and both of us are loosing control and we don’t mean to its just that the stress of the situation gets to be to much.  And my dad doesn’t understand and looses his temper which doesn’t help with the “I’m failing as a parent and I cant do this anymore” feelings that I fight some days.

Spring break started today.  The kids started at Camp Cascade today.  It’s a “day camp” that the kids are going to from 8am-1pm everyday this week while I am at work.  Hopefully the kids will enjoy it. 

I am not looking forward to school starting back up next week.  But really its just because we have to have an ARD when we start back for Thing 1 because he failed a subject.  But to be fair the school wasn’t following his ARD and not helping him with his organization/ helping him with bringing his homework home.  I can’t afford to take off from work at 3pm everyday to go through his desk to make sure we bring homework home. 

Single momma can only do so much….sigh…

The Single Momma

5 Question Friday

It’s Friday!!  Woo hoo!!  It’s been a long week and this momma is tired.  Who knew scheduling therapies, mom/daughter time, mom/son time, mommy time, meals for the next week etc. could be so very exhausting.  I came home yesterday and slept for 30 minutes on the couch after getting the kids from school.  So much for this momma going for a run.  And tonight is Thing 1’s family/friends birthday party as it got rained out earlier this week.  Can I skip it?  I just want to hibernate or go for a run uninterrupted. 

Anyway its time for #5QF with Mama M over at My Little Life.  Below are are rules for 5QF.  Come on and join us….you know you want to.  I can’t wait to read your replies!!

Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then watch for the linky post to appear Friday morning on Mama M’s page and LINK UP!

1. Flu mist? Flu shot? Or take your chances?

Thing 1 got the flu shot this year and Thing 2 got flu mist this year.  It was the first time they both they got either.  As for myself I am just taking my chances this year…horrible I know but if one of the kids comes down with it despite the shot/mist it doesn’t matter I will still get it.  Besides it maybe the only time I get some rest…lol 

Hey don’t laugh I am one sleep deprived momma and I am not joking about the rest part….lol

2. Do your kids have iPads? What are some good educational apps? Price?

Okay so this was my question for @MamaM yesterday on twitter. Why? Well the school district that my kids go to gave all the kids 1st-12th grade iPads and all the pre-k to Kinder iTouch.  And they get to keep them year round too.  You can read about all about it here, or here, or even here. 

Some of the good educational apps that I have found for the kids are Math Blaster (its more for 3 grade and up) (free) I used to have this on our PC when it first came out.  For boys who love video games this is a great app to help them with their math skills.  EpicWin (which you can read about more here) is an AWESOME app for any kid to help them with organization.  It is the ONLY app that I have actually spent money on for either of the kids and we actually have this app written into Thing 1’s IEP as a tool he can use.  As for my last app I have to say Magic Piano by sumule. I really love the Magic Piano app (free) because it introduces all sorts of music to the kids and they hear classical pieces while they are playing them.  It’s a game and for my ADHD/Autistic child it makes him slow down and concentrate.  Plus he’s finding out how much he likes Mussorgsky, Beethoven, and Chopin.  He is his momma’s child.  Plus its super cute to see both kids trying to play the same song at the same time without messing up.  And they get new songs everyday. 

3. What are your favorite boy/girl baby names?

Well if I was to ever have another child (and I honestly don’t see that happening anytime soon for a variety of reasons), my top 2 for each would be:

Boy-  Thomas Nathaniel or Russell Ellis (both of my Grandfather’s middle names)

Girl- Rebecca Allyson (its my mom’s name switched) or Evelyn Ella-Rebecca (my maternal Grandmother’s first name, my paternal grandmother’s first name and my mom’s middle name)

I like classic names and I love to use family names.  Both of the kids are named after people in my family.  Thing 1 has both his Grandfather’s names and Thing 2 has my Aunt’s first name and my middle name.

4. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, which apple do you choose to eat? (red/green, gala, red delicious...)

I’m lucky if I get to eat an apple!  Thing 1 eats them before everyone else.  The boy can go through a 5lb bag in 2-3 days!!  And no I am not kidding about this…lol  If I do get to eat one I like Granny Smith or Red Delicious. But if I am using them to cook with I use Gala. 

5. What is your favorite place to escape to for peace & quiet, to think? Why?

Peace and quiet?  I think the back porch or I will try to go on a run. Or there is the ever present retreat to the shower move…lol

The back porch is mainly me “ah the kids are asleep for now and I have a glass of wine” relax after a crazy day retreat.  The run or the shower is for those “If I don’t get away I will have a meltdown along with my child” rough ADHD/Autistic meltdown, nothing can go right days.  Those are the the times that I get to cry and ask God to remind me why I am having to go through this alone and I don’t think I can go on anymore.  Of course I always feel better afterwards. 

 

The Single Mom

Miss Montana....

I am not the type of person to watch the Miss America Pageant on TV at all.  However that being said I will be watching this year.  Why?  Because of one girl, Miss Montana.

Have you heard of her?  I hadn't until this morning.  Why her?  Because she has Autism! PDD-NOS just like my monkey to be exact!  Not only that but she wasn't diagnosed until she was 11.  My monkey was finally diagnosed at 10.  What a relief it is to know he isn't the only child to get such a late diagnosis!  You can read Alexis Wineman, Miss Montana post on Autism Speaks here or the article in the Billings Gazette here.

Anyway here is her interview with Gretchen Carlson (winner of the 1989 Miss America Pageant while representing her native Minnesota) on Fox and Friends this morning.

I may be a Texas girl but on Saturday I will be a Montana girl.  Go Miss Montana!!


The Single Mom